Trees

So, when I finally came home for Christmas, after an 18 hour drive from Arizone (don't feel sorry for me - my Dad flew in for graduation and to drive me home, apparently), I saw a city full of dead, broken branches. While I was on our FTX (final requirement for graduation), Oklahoma had an ice storm. My nextdoor neighbor had temporarily moved in with my parents and our entire front yard was covered with apple tree branches. Never plant an apple tree, by the way, when they split from the cold - right down the middle. It's horrible. Anyway, the second piece of news I receive is from one of my best friends. She will not be in town while I am home, neither will three of my other close friends. Awesome. I guess all I am saying in my rant is that my life is covered with broken apple tree branches and all I want to do is go home.

I finally did it. I finished Intel School. I am finally in the place I have wanted to be, but feared I never would. It is a strange feeling to see things come true. What a wonderful thing, to see dreams become reality. Often, we are not able to realize our dreams. Maybe it's because we dream of unrealistic things; fame, wealth, outrageous love, rather than things we really can attain. Real goals keep us focused and motivated. Without them, we would just be left sitting on the couch, watching Opra (God help me) and eating potato chips. Now, I am not one to judge (harshly that is), so if that happens to be one of your goals, than congratulations, job well done. But, if you even think about changing your life - do it. Get up and throw your hat in.

The songs (so far) of 2007 that you should listen to.

The best songs of this year...so far -
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - "Half-Awake (Deb)"
Spoon - "You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb"
Andrew Bird - "Simple X"
Bright Eyes - "Tourist Trap"
Field Music - "Working to Work"
Field Music - "Kingston"
The Clientele - "Winter on Victoria Street"
Lucky Soul - "One Kiss Don't Make a Summer"
The Autumn Defense - "This Will Fall Away"
Bears - "You Can Tell"
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - "Emily Jean Stock"
Studio - "No Comply"
Centro-matic - "Atlanta"
Of Montreal - "Suffer For Fashion"

From Home to home

I sat for an hour - waiting to board my flight. To my right, two Korean women - one old with laugh wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the other much younger - maybe 20 or 21. She hugged her Sanrio Hello Kitty tote and nuzzled her Mother as they watched a movie on her iPod. To my left, an older couple sat, trying to figure out how to work their brand new cell phone. They probably received it from their middle son, Stanley, who probably worked at the lead accounting firm in the city. They listened to every ring - twice.

I traveled all night to come home. I waited behind stupid, slow civilians and thought of the way my Parents' house was going to smell as I walked through the door. I opened my eyes during the last flight and held my breath when the plane skidded across the airstrip. All I could think was, "Home." I walked as fast as I could towards baggage and looked for my Parents. They were waiting for me. They drove me home and my Dad cooked me eggs. It was 0425.

Do as I Do

I remember going through that phase during and right after college, where I thought that all conversation had to be meaningful and intellectual. I would sit around with friends for hours and hours talking about politics and the wonderful aspects of socialism...and to what avail? Well, I guess I now know where I stand on most issues (we covered a lot of ground in six years), but the only real thing to come of it was my complete lack of interest regarding anything having to do with the society, which surrounds me. Do I really want to sit around for hours trying to figure out why this group is a certain way and how, as a community, we can "fix them"? No way. I guess I've just come to believe that all we can do, "as a community (insert moviephone voice)" to help along some kind of rehabilitation is to follow the old proverb of "love thy neighbor". Am I still going to be crapped on by society? Yes. Absolutely. But, the way I see it, people change when they want to. You cannot persuade anyone to change their core beliefs through some sort of diplomacy or policy - please. People are and always have been led by example. It's like guiding a child - if they grow up thinking it's okay to run around naked, they'll continue to do so well into adulthood...wait...I guess they're called nudists. Hmmm...well, you get my point, I hope.

Top Ten

The Following are the top ten songs of 2006 (in my opinion, of course). They are in no specific order - LISTEN TO THEM ALL!

1. Beirut - "Rhineland"
2. Camera Obscure - "Let's Get Out of This Country"
3. Rock Votolato - "White Daisy Passing"
4. The Flaming Lips - "Mr. Ambulnce Driver"
5. Neko Case - "Star Witness"
6. Lily Allen - "Littlest Things"
7. MIKA - "Grace Kelley"
8. Golden Smog - "Long Time Ago"
9. Au Revoir Simone - "Through the Backyards"
10. Bob Dylan - "Spirit on the Water"

Truth

I have been wondering a lot about God lately. Not his existence, but more what a relationship with him entails. My last semester at SNU (whoo!), I took a class called Spiritual Devotional Classics. We read famous spiritual classics regarding "the dark night of the soul" and "interial castle(s)". I learned so much from that class about what a believer really is that for the first time ever, I feel like I am in a wonderful place. The problem I am running into, however, is the adjustment that I apparently need to make between my new world and the habits of the old. It might seem like something very simple and a situation easily solved, but it's not. It's very hard to figure out how much of what I believe is constricted by what I have grown up to understand as christian fundamentals and how to mold that with what I really feel to be true. All I know is - Gods love transcends any human understanding. All he asks is that I love him and others more than myself. I think I can do that. All I need to figure out now is what the loving him entails - love is more than words right? It's actions...so I guess when I figure out what the plan is, I'll let you all know.

The Bachelor

Yes. I am writing about the crappy television show, which sucks so many of the female race into its fly trap every Monday night, that even I cannot help flipping the station to the madness. It has a strange hold over me. No matter how badly I talk about the show, I can't stop watching it. It's sort of like a bad car crash that you stare at as you pass, secretly hoping to see a little blood on the asphalt. OOOOh, is that too much honesty? Ah, well. The logical part of me sees the show for what it is; the glorification of the misogynistic condition of the American dating tradition. BUT, I also want to believe in love. I wish I could blame it on the fact that I'm a girl, but that just perpetuates the problem, doesn't it? So, I am forced to blame it on the fact that I have a melancholy temperament and I refuse to not believe in the hope of all things. Anyhow, this is a cry for help from me to you...PLEASE HELP ME KICK THE BACHELOR!

Twilight

The best part of the day is that hour or so before sunset. Even if it is a bit hot still, the coolness of the shade in my backyard casts an otherworldly glow about the place. Last night, I walked out and sat in the hammock at the yard's edge and slowly rocked. Lying down, with my face to the sky, I saw the leaves at the very top sway back and forth and was reminded of what my Dad had said just the afternoon before. He said he always wondered at the trees. How could something so slight as the very tallest and thickest of tree trunks hold up all that height and weight. "It is amazing to behold," he said.
It is so easy to forget one's place in the wheel of it all. Things (bad and good) are always passing us by. We have learned to just grin and bare it all to the point we are too busy holding our breath that it just slips through our fingers like sand. We become stationary, believing it will bring us strength. But in the end, we have allowed society's lobotomy to render us weak.

I think I might give myself a heart attack

Well, I woke up today to find that the emails I had sent out to Fox News, CNN and a few friends at the Green Party had all definitely had the impact I had expected. For instance, not only did I receive the posts that they had all been opened, and presumably read, but I received nonsense emails back from the sources of our admired media. Mr. Hannity's producer said he had wanted to read my rant on his show, but I had been a little hard on some conservative leaders in U.S. politics. The press manager for CNN told me my letter was "well-written and clear to a point, but" I had apparently pissed them off because I pulvarized a few too many liberal congressmen. Okay, I ask you - how easy of a target is a politician who hides bribe money in his freezer under the guise that it's a lasagna. I mean, how many men do you know make homemade lasagna just for themselves, let alone know how to make it. Whatever. I guess my essay will be published in a Green newsletter, so that's good. It's just so frustrating to write what you feel and know to be true and then have it ho hummed. I am so sorry they didn't like to hear the truth. Everyone knows that politicians in general are shady and totally corrupted and pathetic. And why is this so? Why? Because they are a product of our society. We, as a group, are sad and a complete waste. I just wonder why people have given up trying to find the truth. More so, why have we as a society given up the standards that we proclaim to believe in? Black is black and white is white, but we forget that gray is still gray. It doesn't take on different definitions of being, simply because it is a blend of the two main colors. Gray doesn't mean - go with the flow.

a soldier's response

redemption

So, I have been reading Thomas Hardy, which is never a good idea when you're already feeling melancholy, but nonetheless, I can never help myself. This time it was The Mayor of Casterbridge, which of course, if you have read it is very reminiscent of ANY Russian Literature - OKAY ENGLISH NERD ASIDE - "What is redemption and can you ever truly have it?" was the thought running through my head nearly the entire time. Is redemption like socialism, great in theory, but bad in practice? See, redemption is tricky. One's redemption depends on the forgiveness and mercy of those surrounding him. So, what if per chance, you are granted a second go - can you really overcome your past, when those around you won't let you? Still another - can you truly receive redemption if your same, old human flaws are still in place? Won't you just go down the same road again (uhum...Mayor of Casterbridge)? These questions are killing me. See, I am a negative optimist - hopelessly pragmatic, but with just enough happy to make me nonsensical at times. I want to believe in redemption - that at the end of Magnolia, each of the characters will find their way and make good with their second chances...but I don't know. I guess I just want to believe that once you have seen the truth, you can never live amongst lies again. And, if you find yourself in the same dark place again that you will be able to see it for what it truly is and pull yourself out. The scary thing is, regardless of scenario, true redemption does lay in the area surrounding each individual. Yes, you can experience a personal second chance, but unless those people around you choose to acknowledge the change, the lease will never be allowed. Sorry, I just wonder about these things.

number 1

It seems like life slows a bit, the older you get, I mean. Or, maybe it has just slowed for me. I look around and wonder when everything became so hard. All the rules we used to play by as children have altered and now, we can't even say, "I have to go pee." We must say, " I have to go use the restroom." What a load of crap. Now, I am not a proponent of crassness and vulgarity. For instance, as a child, I was not allowed to call my favorite blanket my "blankie" or going potty "going wee wees". My parents didn't speak to us in baby talk, so we were not allowed to speak back in such a tongue. I wonder if there is a happy medium between this crass "baby-talk" and refined speech. Can you be a grown-up and still pee, or do you have to start "powdering your nose - freshening-up"? All I know is if I am ever in your home and I ask you where the water closet is, just flush me.

you can never go home again

Do you ever think about when you were a kid? I always think about the summer. My brother and I would ride our bikes around the neighborhood and pretend we were going on a great journey...so great that we needed water bottles. We would ride all the way to the closest 7/11, each buy an icy and if we had enough money - our Mom a rose. You know, the ones they sell all by themselves with the little capsule of water attached at the end. We would try to balance these prized beverages on the tops of our handlebars all the way home, while one of us was in charge of keeping the rose from harm. We were so free and safe. The hot cement would stab at us from the sides of our flip flops and our shirts would sag with perspiration. I always think of my brother and me like this - innocent and playful - unafraid of the future and all that adulthood brings. I don't know, I catch myself wishing I could go back to that moment and feel the icy going down my thoat and the sun on my shoulders - knowing that Adam was with me and unconcerned about anything else. We were a pair - riding our bikes home, icies in hand and a rose sticking up from someone's back pocket.